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Some children show signs of perfectionism since childhood. Young children may get frustrated and tear their drawing if it is not done properly. Older children may avoid or refuse to do homework because they are afraid of making mistakes. Perfectionism can cause children to feel overwhelmed, angry and frustrated, or sad and isolated. And yet perfectionism is not considered bad in our society. Being called a “perfectionist” can be a compliment – code for being a great worker or student, someone who strives to do his or her best and makes sure all work is done well. These seemingly polarized views reflect the complex nature of perfectionism.
What is perfectionism?
Researchers often divide perfectionism into two parts: perfectionistic striving: being determined to meet and achieve goals; excessive perfectionistic concerns: concern about being able to meet high standards, and self-consciousness about performance. Criticism. While perfectionistic strivings can be positive and lead to higher achievement, perfectionistic concerns may make children more likely to develop eating disorders or anxiety and depression and have lower academic achievement. Children and teens may experience perfectionism regarding school work, sports, performing in the arts or music, or in relation to their bodies.
Signs of perfectionistic concerns in children and teens may include the following:
-Children being overly critical of themselves
-Their response to mistakes seems to be an overreaction
– Excessive preoccupation and concern about one’s own standards and goals and/or procrastination
– Significant changes in performance, for example, poor academic results
-Irritability and negative emotions, stress and feeling of being worthless
– Social problems with peers and friends, such as bullying and isolating oneself from peers.
A range of genetic, biological, and environmental factors influence perfectionism in children. And our role as parents is important. While research evidence shows that we cannot successfully increase positive perfectionistic strivings in our children, harsh or controlling parenting can increase negative perfectionistic concerns in children.
Parents who are perfectionists themselves can also model this for their children. So, how can we walk the line between supporting our child’s interests and helping them achieve their potential, without putting pressure on them and increasing the risk of negative outcomes?
Give them room to grow
The gardener versus carpenter described by psychology professor Alison Gopnik is a great metaphor. Instead of trying to create and shape our children by controlling them and their environment (like a carpenter), parents can adopt the spirit of the gardener – providing children with lots of space to grow in their own direction, and nurturing them with love, respect, and trust. We can’t control who they become, so we’re better off sitting back, enjoying the journey, and looking forward to seeing the people they grow into.
However, if our child is showing signs of perfectionism, there is still a lot we can do as parents. We can give our children role models by setting realistic goals and being flexible when things change or go wrong, help our children cope with stress and negative emotions, and create a healthy balance in our family’s daily routine.
Set realistic goals
People with perfectionistic tendencies will often set unattainable goals. We can support the development of flexibility and realistic goal setting by asking curious questions, for example, “What would you need to do to take a small step closer to this goal?” It is also helpful to identify upper and lower limits for goals.
For example, if your child is stuck on high scores in school, set that as an “upper limit” and then help them identify a “lower limit” that they feel is acceptable, regardless of the results. Be less happy than. This strategy may take time and practice to hone in on the difference between the two, but it is useful for building flexibility over time.
If a goal is performance-based and the outcome cannot be guaranteed (for example, a sporting event), encourage your child to set a personal goal over which they have more control. We can have a conversation about perfectionism from the beginning, and explain that everyone makes mistakes. In fact, it’s great to give this example to your children – to talk about your mistakes and feelings, to show them that we ourselves are not perfect.
The practice of speaking out loud can help children see that we are “on our part.” For example, if you burned dinner you might think: I’m disappointed because I put time and effort into it and it didn’t turn out the way I expected. But we all make mistakes. I can’t do the right thing every time.
manage stress and negative emotions
Some children and teens have a natural tendency toward perfectionism. Instead of trying to control their behavior, we can provide gentle, loving support. When our child or teen becomes frustrated, angry, sad, or overwhelmed, we support them best by helping them name, express, and validate all of their feelings. Parents may fear that acknowledging their child’s negative emotions will make the feelings worse, but the opposite is true.
Creating a Healthy Balance
Healthy child development requires loving relationships in the family, good nutrition, creative play, and plenty of physical activity, sleep and rest. Perfectionism is associated with rigidity and thinking there is only one right way to succeed. Instead we can promote flexibility and creativity in children.
Children’s brains develop through play. There is strong research evidence that creative, child-driven play is associated with higher emotion regulation skills and a number of cognitive skills including problem-solving, memory, planning, resilience, and decision-making.
Play isn’t just for young children – there’s evidence that exploratory, creative play of any kind benefits teens and adults too. There is also evidence that being active outside in nature can boost children’s coping skills, emotion regulation and cognitive development.
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