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Expressing our love verbally, even as a habit, is obviously difficult for many of us.
Some people find it unnecessary to keep saying “I love you.” Others believe that expressing your affection through actions (hugs, gifts, thoughtful acts) is enough. I’ve had clients say it sounds forced, and therefore fake, “And doesn’t it defeat the purpose and even take away the meaning of the words?”
My short answer is, “No”. My longer answer is that listening to it reinforces something much deeper than three seemingly insignificant words.
For one thing, the act of saying “I love you” is a moment of true vulnerability. It’s actually the mild discomfort that many of us feel at first. (I promise, it will go away soon.)
The discomfort comes from a mild fear: What if the other person thinks it’s silly? What if it makes things awkward? What if they don’t know how to respond, or just don’t want to say it back?
For all these reasons it is important to try. In my experience, this single expression works to increase intimacy, deepen trust, and create a sense of genuine emotional connection, even between friends.
As a believer in love, vulnerability, and effective communication, I decided years ago to use the word “love” more often. I say “I love you” regularly to my daughter, husband, mother, nephew and that great treasure, my closest friends.
I use it in text messages, when I mean it. And in email.
Every time, it comes from the heart and is genuine.
The reactions I get range from silence to “I know”, “Ditto” and “I love you too”.
When I first started practicing this habit, silence made me wonder how the other person was receiving my message. I decided that I would express whatever I felt.
What happened after this still intrigues and delights me. I noticed that quiet people started reaching out to me more often than before. Over time, half of them started responding by saying “Love you too.” The other half is still silent, but I can say with confidence that our relationship is deep.
Two of these people are my husband and my mother. My husband started with silence, then moved to “I know” and then “I love you too.” My mom started saying “I love you” in December.
There’s a lot of talk today about attention spans, crowded minds, our obsession with our phones. The truth is that these distractions are here to stay and they aren’t going anywhere. This makes it even more important to express our love verbally, because in our distracted, busy days, our actions often fail to reflect how we feel.
After all, knowing that someone loves you can be a bit abstract. Hearing this is confirmation that this person is indeed emotionally within reach.
As someone who now hears the words more often than before, I can confirm that they make me feel loved, provide me with a sense of security, boost my self-esteem. They help me in difficult times. The list of people I say “I love you” to has become a precious reminder of the people I know will support me.
It matters. Not just because life can be hard and unpredictable. But because, even in the best of times, the confidence that comes from finding love is one of the key pillars of a fulfilling life.
So, don’t hold back. Say “I love you” to someone you haven’t said before. It’s liberating, it’s liberating… and you’ll be surprised at how quietly it can change things.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be contacted at simran@floh.in)
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